Mischief! A Million Little Things
by Lamia of the Dark
Summary: Oneshots, bad jokes, crossover, crack pairings, etc. Basically, a playground of ridiculousness and any ideas I happen to be playing with. ch 29 is not humor. NEW: Running Commentary
1. Lines About This and Piss

**DISCLAIMER: Sweeney Todd belongs to Stephen Sondheim and is being used here without permission. Further disclaimers for chapter 1 at the bottom of the page.**

**A/N: Mischief! A Million Little Things is a collection of oneshots, bits and pieces that didn't add up to full-bodied fics. Drabbles, crack pairings, bad jokes, ideas I'm playing with will all get put in here.**

**ch 1 takes place during the song about Pirelli's Miracle Elixir.**

-- Lines About This and Piss --

"_What's this? There's white things in the air_," Sweeney Todd sang.

"What? No, there's not!" Toby said in confusion.

Mrs. Lovett took hold of Sweeney's arm and hissed in his ear, "You're not Jack Skellington!"

-take 2-

When the bottle of Pirelli's Miracle Elixir was passed to Sweeney this time, he correctly sang the line, "_What is this?_"

"_What is this?_" Mrs. Lovett echoed.

Sweeney screwed off the cap and sniffed the contents, then called out to Toby, "Are you selling an elixir or camel piss?"

Toby started singing much louder, still extolling the virtues of Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, while in the crowd below Mrs. Lovett had taken hold of Sweeney's arm again and was scolding him.

"This is not Princess Mononoke!!"

-byol- (bring your own lolz)

**Disclaimers: Nightmare Before Christmas belongs to Tim Burton. Princess Mononoke belongs to Hayao Miyazaki. (The Mononoke line was originally "Are you selling soup or camel piss?", but I changed it a bit to fit the ST scene.)**


	2. Darkside

**DISCLAIMER: Sweeney Todd belongs to Stephen Sondheim.**

-- Darkside --

"Come for a shave have you, lad?"

Somehow Johanna managed to quickly babble out an explanation: "No, sir! Mr... Mr. Todd? Anthony told me that you were a friend of his, that you'd said he could bring me here. I'm Johanna!"

Sweeney stared at her for a long moment then said in a deep, Darth Vader-ish voice, "Johanna, I am your father."

She stared disbelievingly at him.

" Come join the dark side..."

-end-

**A/N: sorry, but that joke had to be done.**


	3. Songs that go well

**DISCLAIMER: **All I own is my taste in music.

**A/N:** my Phoenix fans know the drill. For the rest of you: **character name in bold,** band name in normal text, "song title in quotes", _lyrics in italics_, (explanations/notes on lyric choices in parentheses). If you see **character name & character name** it means the lyrics apply to the two of them together, usually in a specific situation which I will then (explain).

* * *

Songs that go well with...

**Sweeney Todd**

Drowning Pool, "Bodies"

Lyrics: _Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor_.

(for obvious reasons)

Mudvayne, "Not Falling"

Lyrics: _Come play, come play. Kill_.

(come into my tonsorial parlor said the barber to the beadle...)

Disturbed, "Down with the Sickness"

Lyrics: _Drowning deep in my sea of lonely. It seems what's left of my human side is slowly changing in me. Looking at my own reflection when suddenly it changes, violently it changes. There is no turning back now. You've woken up the demon in me. It seems that all that was good has died and is decaying in me. The world is scary place now that you've woken up the demon in me_.

(think of his change from "Benjamin Barker" to "Sweeney Todd")

Disturbed, "Voices"

Lyrics: _Wake up, are you alive? Will you listen to me? I'm gonna talk about some freaky shit now. Someone is gonna die when you listen to me. They die. They die. See? What's up, why do you listen to me? I'm gonna make you do some freaky shit now. You see, you're gonna die when you listen to me. They die. They die. See? Can you imagine how good killing feels? I promise no one will ever know. There will be no chance of you getting caught. Are you breathin' ? Do you breathe now?_

**Mrs. Lovett**

Drowning Pool, "Bodies"

Lyrics: _Steal your skin, blood and bone_. (yummy...)

The Koffin Kats, "Chainsaw Massacre"

Lyrics: _Well, I'm cuttin' up some bodies. Where you gonna run to, where you gonna hide when you're hanging from a hook? I skinned you alive. I said finger-lickin' good, baby soft skin. Tearin' off your arm, I might have chewed it. Open up the oven, now put yourself in. Well, I break your back, I pull out your spine. Rippin' off fingernails two at a time. I'm gonna get me fresh meat tonight_.

(Well, we know she prepares the corpses... yay for songs about cannabalism! o.O

I know the lyrics are gross, but the actual song sounds really funny because it's like they're trying to impersonate Elvis or something, as far as the instrumentals and the way they sing.)

Disturbed, "Avarice"

Lyrics: _Avarice will kill you in time_.

(think about what led to her death. She had Toby pretty much calmed down, until he saw Pirelli's purse...)

The Loved Ones, "Arsenic"

Lyrics: _This turned out to be my fatal mistake and I'll take it to my grave. Say a prayer. My soul's at stake and there's not much left to save_.

(final scene, her thoughts as she is dying. How ironic that the song itself is called Arsenic, the same poison that Lucy took... or was given by Mrs. Lovett. I honestly think that Mrs. Lovett poisoned Lucy. Why else would beggar/hag Lucy be running around calling her "the woman with no pity in her heart"...? And she says that to Sweeney Todd, of all people!)

**Judge Turpin**

Sublime, "Date Rape"

Lyrics: _If it wasn't for date rape then I'd never get laid_. (for obvious reasons)

**Sweeney & Lovett**

Disturbed, "The Game"

Lyrics: _Is she not right? Is she insane? Will she now run for her life now that she lied to me? Is she really telling lies again? Doesn't she realize that she's in danger? Little bit cheaper then she told a lie. Now she will never tell another lie. _

(his thoughts during the final scene)

Rancid, "Fall Back Down"

Lyrics: _If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again. If I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend_.

(read as if he is speaking to her. She's always taking care of him...)

Three Days Grace, "Animal I Have Become"

Lyrics: _So what if you can see the darkest side of me? No one would ever change this animal I have become_.

(again, as if he is speaking to her. Seems to describe their relationship pretty well.)

Seether, "Truth"

Lyrics: _If I gave you the truth, would it keep you alive? Though I'm closer to wrong, I'm no further from right_.

(read as if she is speaking to him, during the final scene when he has found out she knew Lucy was alive)

Disturbed, "The Game"

Lyrics: _I kind of like the misery you put me through. Darling, you can trust me completely_.

(her feelings toward him in general. Yes, this is the same song the "is she not right/is she insane" lyrics come from. Great song, one of my favorites.)

The Loved Ones, "Please Be Here"

Lyrics: _Just hold on tight my lonely one. This isn't quite what you bargained for. I know it stings to always prop up someone whose own selfish heart seems to be the one that's beating_. _Heaven knows I need you here_.

(think of the way he keeps her around even though they both know that his heart is fixated on Lucy)

**Sweeney & Lucy**

AFI, "Endlessly, She Said"

Lyrics: _"I will wait for you," she said, "endlessly." "I will wait for you." So spoke misery. I returned to you but found my empty home_.

(for obvious reasons)

System of a Down, "Streamline"

Lyrics: _I wasn't there for you. You are gone. I wasn't there for goodbye, so long. I wasn't there for goodbye_.

(only works before he finds out she was still alive, of course)

-curtain-

**A/N:** suggestions are welcome for Songs that go well pt 2. (please include artist name and song title)


	4. Lines From Other Movies

**DISCLAIMER: You know the drill. And the saw. And the screws. Now build me a birdhouse, damnit!**

**The idea here is that characters in the scene respond with a famous (or just my favorite) line from another movie that fits the scene.**

-- Lines From Other Movies --

Sweeney: "NO! Not Barker. It's Todd now. Sweeney Todd."

Mrs. Lovett: "We're all two people."

(originally said by Batman in _Batman Forever_)

* * *

Mrs. Lovett: "Think of it as thrift, as a gift. If you get my drift."

Sweeney: "Don't you think that's a little weird? A little bit psycho?"

(originally said by Rocco in _Boondock Saints_)

* * *

Sweeney: "The face of a barber, a prisoner, a dog is not memorable, is it?"

Turpin: "Benjamin Barker!"

Sweeney: "Yes, you are fucked! Shit out of luck!"

(originally said by The Devil, in _Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny_)

* * *

He's watching Mrs. Lovett squish bugs while she's singing and making the pies.

Sweeney: "That can't be good for the table."

(originally said by Howl in the English dub of _Howl's Moving Castle_)

* * *

Mrs. Lovett: "Look at all that blood!"

Sweeney: "Oh, yes. There will be blood."

(originally said by Jigsaw is _Saw II_)


	5. Sweeney's Revenge

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.**

-- Sweeney's Revenge --

Sweeney pranced around the chair singing "Pretty Women" with Turpin as he gave the judge a shave.

Just as he was finishing up, Anthony burst into the room, shouting about Johanna.

Turpin - now furious - stood up from the chair and wiped his face, and went to get his overcoat from the chair in the corner.

As he stomped past Sweeney, the barber leaned close to him and whispered in the judge's ear.

"I wrote your name in my Death Note."

-end-


	6. The Devil's Wife

**DISCLAIMER: Sweeney Todd belongs to Stephen Sondheim. The Devil that appears in this fic belongs to Tenacious D. (He's the one from the Pick of Destiny movie.)**

- The Devil's Wife -

"She's the Devil's wife!" the old beggar woman said to Sweeney Todd.

"Actually," came a deep rumbling voice from the corner of the room, "she's not."

Sweeney and Lucy both turned and looked at Satan, who had appeared by the cracked mirror.

"But I like what you've got going here," the Devil commented casually to Sweeney. "Murder, involuntary cannibalism... I'll save a special place in Hell for you and the baker... Now, I must be off. Souls to steal, people to torment, you know how it is. Let me know if you see my tooth around anywhere, will you?" And with that, he disappeared in a flash of fire.

-end-


	7. Them Pussycats Is Quick

**DISCLAIMER: Sweeney Todd belongs to Stephen Sondheim.**

- Them Pussycats Is Quick -

"Just the thought's enough to make you sick.  
And I'm tellin' you, them pussycats is quick..."

And as she sang that line, he couldn't help wondering:

_So If she'd managed to catch one herself she wouldn't have minded using it in her own pies...?_

-end-


	8. You Don't Have a Case

**DISCLAIMER: Still not mine.**

**A/N: This fic is based on a really cute fan-art that I found on Photobucket. It's a crossover between Phoenix Wright and Sweeney Todd.**

-- You Don't Have A Case --

Phoenix: Alrighty. Well, Mr. Todd it says here that you're accused of killing your customers from your barabershop, due them disappearing after appointments and your noted odd behavior.

Sweeney: Yes, but they won't find any evidence...

Phoenix: 'Cause you're innocent, right?

Sweeney: Nope.

Phoenix: ?

Sweeney: We baked them into pies.

Phoenix: O.O

-end-


	9. You SHOULD Have Said

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sweeney Todd, or my immortal soul. **

-- You SHOULD Have Said... --

- Things Sweeney Todd could have said instead of "Leave me" during that one scene, when he is looking at Mrs. Lovett over his shoulder. -

* * *

"Did you want to touch one? Too bad, you can't. They're mine!"

* * *

"Excuse me, I'm trying to have a moment here!"

* * *

"At this angle, I can't see down the front of your dress."

* * *

"What are you doing back there?"

* * *

"Why are we sitting on the floor?"

* * *

"Why am I whispering?"

* * *

"I farted."

* * *

"Did you just sniff my hair?" (She did...)

-end-


	10. Something's Going to Harm You

**DISCLAIMER: Sweeney Todd belongs to Stephen Sondheim and is being used here without permission. **

-- Something's Going to Harm You --

- a parody of "Not While I'm Around" -

Something's going to harm you  
Even while I'm around  
Something's going to harm you  
Yes, while I'm around  
Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays  
Listen to them howling  
I don't care, I hopes they stays  
Someone's going to hurt you  
Someone's going to dare  
I'll probably desert you  
You should worry  
When you whistle I won't be there  
Demons will charm you with a smile  
And in a while  
Yes, in time  
Something's going to harm you  
Even while I'm around


	11. Toddacious D

**DISCLAIMER: I'd have to say ping-pong balls.**

-- Toddacious D --

- Cause there's not many things funnier than Sweeney/Pick of Destiny crossovers-

* * *

**Beadle, introducing Turpin to the guests at the ball:** "_Can't you see he's the man? Let me hear you applaud. He is more than a man, he's a shiny golden god!_"

(lines from the song "Classico")

* * *

**Mrs. Lovett subsitutes the first few lines of "Poor Thing" with:** "_History of Wonderboy and Young Nasty Man..._" (Wonderboy referring to Benjamin Barker, Young Nasty Man referring to young Judge Turpin)

(lines from "Wonderboy" off Tenacious D's first album)

* * *

**Sweeney, after being reunited with his "friends":** "_I AM COMPLETE. Yes, you are fucked. Shit out of luck. Now I'm complete and my cock you will suck_."

(lines from "Beelzeboss")

* * *

**Turpin, telling Anthony what Beadle is going to do when he kicks him out of his house:** "_He is going to kick your fucking ass!_"

(line from Classico)

* * *

**Sweeney, looking down the hole at a victim whose head cracked open when it landed:** "_I did not mean to blow your mind but that shit happens to me all the time._"

(line from Master Exploder)

* * *


	12. Oldfashioned

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own.**

- Old-fashioned -

"The human whose name is written in this note shall die."

Sweeney stared at the Death Note and pondered it's usefulness for a while longer before handing it back to Ryuk.

"No thanks, shinigami."

"Huh? You don't want it?" Ryuk asked. And here he'd picked Sweeney out because of his homicidal tendencies.

"No," Sweeney replied, fondling his razor lovingly. "You see, I prefer to do it the old-fashioned way."

"Hyuk hyuk hyuk," Ryuk laughed. "Humans are fun!"

-end-


	13. What the hell movie is this, anyway?

**DISCLAIMER: I got this idea when I was at work last night and I scribbled it down on the back of a reciept. Enjoy.**

-- What the hell movie is this, anyway? --

Mrs. Lovett whimpered as Sweeney advanced on her with his 'friend' held high.

Sweeney growled, "Shut up, Mrs. Bucket - I mean Lestrange - I mean_ Lovett_, and hold still for your haircut!"

She shut up and held still.

Sweeney took a good look at her mess of hair and said, "You know, if cotton candy and licorice mated, its child would probably look a lot like your hair."

"Black licorice or red licorice?" Mrs. Lovett asked curiously.

"What difference does that make?!" Sweeney snapped.

She didn't answer.

He looked at her hair again and sighed.

"God, I miss my scissor hands right now..."

-end-


	14. A Little Count

**DISCLAIMER: Sweeney Todd belongs to Stephen Sondheim. Pertshop of Horrors belongs to Matsuri Akino.**

**A/N: If Count D's shop was in Fleet Street, they might have sung something like this during "A Little Preist"...**

-- A Litte Count --

Lovett: Count's rather nice.

Sweeney: If it's seasoned with Chinese spice.

Lovett: It's particularly tender cause he's never eaten meat in his life.

Sweeney: Got anything that's Leon?

Lovett: Well if you want detective, you can't be selective.

Sweeney: Wouldn't be a difficult catch, though. This one really isn't too bright!

-end-

**A/N: the part about Count D being especailly tender because he doesn't eat meat is actually something Totetsu said when it was trying to eat him in the Petshop manga.**


	15. You Googled!

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. In fact, I own so much nothing it's not even funny.**

-- You Googled! --

"You googled at my ward!" Judge Turpin yelled at Anthony. "You googled at her! Yes, sir, you _googled_!"

"But," Anthony protested. "This is Victorian England! The internet hasn't even been invented yet!"

-end-

**A/N: Google was a word before the internet existed. And it means about the same thing as "gander".**


	16. True Story

**DISCLAIMER: same as usual.**

-- True Story --

A customer at where I work: Do you go to Turpin?

Me: Do I _what_ now? (of course I was thinking of Judge Turpin from Sweeney Todd when they said it.)

Customer: Do you go to Turpin High School?

Me:... I graduated high school five years ago, and no, I didn't go to that school I went to (insert real name of my high school here).

So, yeah. I see a lot of people wearing shirts that say "Turpin"...cause it's the name of a local high school. (Also, I apparently look like a teenager even though I'm over the legal drinking age.)

True story.


	17. Songs that go well 2

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my taste in music.**

-- Songs that go well 2 --

Songs that go well with...

**Sweeney Todd  
**System of a Down, "Violent Pornography"  
lyrics: _Everybody everybody everybody livin' now, everybody everbody everybody SUCKS_.  
(We all deserve to die...)

AFI, "Silver and Cold"  
lyrics: _And now it is silver and silent. It is silver and cold. You, in somber resplendence, I hold_.  
(singing to his razors)

Fear Factory, "Resurrection"  
lyrics: _Consumed with memories that preceded today. Given a chance to bereave life that's slipping away. Suffered through tragedy of my slow decay. Deceptive tendencies dragged my soul away. All that I know there was no God for me.Force that shatters all, absence of mortality. Revive all my fears. Revive wasted tears. Revive void within. Revive once again... Forsaken by destiny, forsaken by my own mind. I must remove my skin to see belief in your eyes. All that I know there was no God for me. Force that shatters all, absence of humanity. Revive all my fears. Revive wasted tears. Revive void within. Revive once again...  
_(This song seems to describe Sweeney pretty well.)

Delain, "See Me in Shadow"  
lyrics: _Standing in the shadow of our lies To hide our imperfections, Doing anything we can to hide. Eyes wide open but still blind To see what really matters, And insecurity won't go, See me in shadow. Standing by the ruins of your soul, That cries for some more meaning. Wondering when you have Become so cold, So cold, And all the pictures of your past are gone. So cold, so cold, Forget yourself And who you are, Another life is not that far. Standing by the paintings of your dreams, But you have awoken And all the purples and the greens Have turned to black. And the ruins of your soul Have died, no more meaning. I wonder when you have Become so cold, So cold, And all the pictures of your past are gone. So cold, so cold, Forget yourself And who you are, Another life is not that far. Not that far, Not that far_.  
(provided by slytherin360)

**Mrs. Lovett  
**Martina McBride, "Concrete Angel"  
lyrics: _Through the wind and the rain she stand hard as a stone in this world taht she can't rise above_.  
(about her inner strength)

Webbie, "Independent"  
lyrics: _She got her own house. Two jobs, work hard, you a bad broad. Back rub, cook, clean, man don't make her make a scene. She tell you she don't need not a god damn thing. You a hot damn thing. I don't think she'll never look in a man face standin' waitin' for him to take care of her. She'd rather go to work and pay the bills on schedule_.  
(Yes, Mrs. Lovett is a strong independent +hawt+ woman.)

**Sweeney & Lovett  
**Epica, "Never Enough"  
lyrics: _Can't you hear me screaming, once again? Voices you can't hear  
Because you are consumed and incontent  
With everlasting greed_  
_Sacrificed my life to be with you  
Why did you leave me?  
There's nothing more from me you can consume  
Cause you are incomplete_  
_(Enough)  
It was,  
Never enough that I gave to you  
All of the horror that you've put me through  
(Never enough)  
How can I make up my mind this time?  
This is where I will draw the line_

_Don't you see me on my hands and knees?  
Begging and bleeding  
You're smiling as you bite the hand that feeds  
But will you never see?_

_Always wanting what your eyes can't see  
Needing what your arms can't reach  
Thinking you are in need  
Always hearing what your ears can't hear  
Feeling what your hands can't touch  
Thinking you're incomplete_

_(Enough)  
It was,  
Never enough that I gave to you  
All of the horror that you've put me through  
(Never enough)  
How can I make up my mind this time?  
This is where I will draw the line_

_Always wanting what your eyes can't see  
Needing what your arms can't reach  
Thinking you are in need  
Always hearing what your ears can't hear  
Feeling what your hands can't touch  
Thinking you're incomplete_

_Everlasting need  
Would you please?  
Answer me and  
Make me complete_

_Everlasting greed  
Would you please?  
Set me free  
Fulfill all my needs and make me complete_

_(Enough)  
It was,  
Never enough that I gave to you  
All of the horror that you've put me through  
(Never enough)  
How can I make up my mind this time?  
This is where I will draw the line_

_Never again will I be with you  
No promise eternal carrying us through  
I finally made up my mind this time  
This is the end, I've drawn the line  
Never enough to devour your greed  
_(her thoughts about sweeney, and him always wanting what he cant have +revenge, provided by slytherin360)

Simple Plan, "My Alien"  
lyrics: _I can remember smelling your hair_.  
(who doesn't remember that, lol? during "My Friends" in the movie, she does...)

Offspring, "Can't Get My Head Around You"  
lyrics: _Deep inside your soul there's a hole you don't wanna see. You're covering it up, like a cut, with the likes of me_.  
(she says she's doing it help Sweeney... but Mrs. Lovett MUST take some kind of sick pleasure in chopping up bodies and feeding them to people)

Chris Brown, "Kiss Kiss"  
lyrics: _She want that lovey-dovey kiss kiss, kiss kiss. In her mind she fantasize about gettin' with me_.  
(+cough+ bythesea +cough+)

blink182, "The Rock Show"  
lyrics: _She said "what" and I told her that I didn't know_.  
(I think that about covers what a typical casual conversation between these two consists of.)

**Toby & Lovett**  
Everclear, "Wonderful"  
lyrics: _I just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes when you tell me everything is wonderful now. I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now_.  
(at the time of "Not While I'm Around" when he's all suspicious but she tells him Sweeney has been good to them.)

**Reviews are love.**

**A/N: My personal theme song is The Doors, "People Are Strange". What's yours? **

**Lyrics suggestions for Songs that go well 3 are welcome! I also take chapter requests!**


	18. Seems an Awful Waist

**DISCLAIMER: still not mine.**

-- Seems an Awful Waist --

Laying his hand on her waist, Sweeney said, "You're far too thin, Mrs. Lovett. I can feel your ribs."

With a sly smile, Mrs. Lovett replied, "Those aren't _my_ ribs you're feeling, dearie."

"You... you mean you're... _You're wearing a corset made of human ribs_?"

"Well, you know what I alwasy say. Waste not, want not..."

**A/N: yes the chapter title is +pun intended+.**


	19. Silent H's

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. I own so much nothing that it's kind of sad, really...**

-- Silent H's --

Anthony: Did you ever think about the fact that we both have silent H's in our names, Johanna? Isn't that a wonderful and amazing coincidence? It must mean that we were meant to be together! Like, forever, and stuff...

Johanna: Anthony... It's not really THAT special. No one in Victorian England pronounces their H's anyway...

-end-


	20. Sweetie Pies

**DISCLAIMER: same as usual, me not to the owning...**

-- Sweetie Pies --

Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett were sitting on their picnic blanket in the park, after just finishing singing "By the Sea."

They were watching other couples walk by, and for some reason Mrs. Lovett couldn't stop giggling. Even after Sweeney elbowed her in the ribs.

"What's so funny?" he hissed.

"Oh, nothin'," she answered. "Just somethin' I was thinkin', that was all..."

"_What_?" he asked insistently.

But she merely sighed and laid her head on his shoulder.

Another young couple strolled past them.

"Wouldn't that be just wonderful, sweetie pie?" the young lady was saying to her young man.

"Mm-hm," grunted the young man, clearly not listening to what his young lady was saying.

Now, Sweeney thought that was funny, cause it was the same way _he_ acted toward Mrs. Lovett, but he didn't see why _she _was laughing about it...

"What? Tell me," he pleaded.

"Alright, it's just... I was just thinkin', once he comes in for a shave, he really will be a 'sweetie pie', won't he?"

And the conversation dissolved into giggles.

-end-


	21. Songs that go well 3

**A/N: All I own is my taste in music.**

**Thanks to my reviewers who provided lyrics, but I really didn't think your choices matched that well... just my opinion... feel free to smack me for it.**

-- Songs that go well 3 --

Songs that go well with...

**Turpin & Lucy  
**Puddle of Mudd, "She Hates Me"  
Lyrics: _Met a girl, thought she was grand. Fell in love, found out first hand. Then I started to realize she fuckin' hates me. Just she fuckin' hates me_.  
(for obvious reasons)

**Mrs. Lovett & Lucy  
**Three Days Grace, "Never Too Late"  
lyrics: _Even if I say it'll be alright, still I hear you say you want to take your life_.  
("I tried to stop her, but she wouldn't listen to me.")

**Sweeney & Lovett**  
Disturbed, "Sons of Plunder"  
lyrics: _Drench their sorrow in flame_.  
(And into the oven she goes...)

Disturbed, "Stricken"  
Lyrics: _You walk on like a woman in suffering, Won't even bother now to tell me why, You come along, letting all of us savor the moment, Leaving me broken another time, You come on like a bloodstained hurricane, Leave me alone, let me be this time, You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption, I don't want to mention, the reason I know, That I am stricken and can't let you go, When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know, That I am crippled by all that you've done, Into the abyss will I run, You don't know what your power has done to me, I want to know if I'll heal inside, I can't go on with a holocaust about to happen, Seeing you laughing another time, You'll never know why your face has haunted me, My very soul has to bleed this time, Another hole in the wall of my inner defenses, Leaving me breathless, the reason I know, That I am stricken and can't let you go, When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know, That I am crippled by all that you've done, Into the abyss will I run, You come on like a bloodstained hurricane, Leave me alone, let me be this time, You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption, Don't want to mention, the reason I know, That I am stricken and can't let you go, When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know, That I am crippled by all that you've done, Into the abyss will I run, Into the abyss will I run, I can't let you go, Yes I am stricken and can't let you go_.  
(Wow. I was only going to use the "You come on like a bloodstained hurricane" line for Sweeney at first, but I was reading through the lyrics and noticed how perfectly the song fits the two of them...)

**Sweeney & Turpin  
**Disturbed, "Deify"  
Lyrics: _I've let my innocence die. you want to know why I can't be pacified? You made me bury something. I won't be sleeping tonight. It seems so clear now what I must do. You're no immortal, I won't let them deify you_.  
(obvious reasons)

**A/N: yeah, I know, a lot of Disturbed in this one. What can I say? I luffses me some Disturbed.**


	22. Top 5 Reasons Sweeney Todd Is So Awesome

**DISCLAIMER: I luffses me some Disturbed.**

**A/N: this is based on the results of the poll I had in my profile. There's a different one now, so everyone go vote...**

-- Top 5 Reasons Why Sweeney Todd Is So Awesome --

First place: It's a tie between _Because Johnny Depp is hawt_ and _A Little Priest. Enough said_.

Second place: It's a tie between _It's a freakin' musical horror movie, how much more awesome can you GET!_ and _Three of the actors also play Harry Potter villains. Which is actually kind of funny, and great material for crossovers_.

Third place: It's a tie between _Because Helena Bonham Carter is hawt_ and _I want Mrs. Lovett's dresses_.

Fourth place: Because Tim Burton is genius.

Fifth place: Involuntary cannibalism. Enough said.


	23. I Blame Country Music

**DISCLAIMER: I BLAME COUNTRY MUSIC FOR THIS CHAPTER.**

-- I Blame Country Music --

Mrs. Lovett woke up with a nasty hangover... and quickly decided that the best thing to do would be to get out of here before Sweeney woke up.

Of course, she was completely naked and Sweeney had all the covers, so she grabbed the nearest piece of clothing which happend to be one of Sweeney's shirts.

It wasn't even the one he'd been wearing last night. It was one that he'd apparently kicked under the bed instead of putting it in the laundry. It was crusted with dried blood. She slipped it on anyway, and began to gather up her own clothing, which was scattered all over the room.

She'd almost gotten the last of it when she heard movement from the other side of the room.

"Mrs. Lovett-"

She froze.

"You look good in my shirt."

-end-


	24. A Little More Priest

**DISCLAIMER: O.o**

**A/N: I enjoy thinking up more verses for "A Little Priest", so...**

-- A Little More Priest --

Sweeney: That one looks funny.

Lovett: It's clown. Have some prince to wash it down.

Sweeney: What are the funny hard bits?

Lovett: Well, I forgot to take off his crown... Try the thief.

Sweeney: Too thin, and not really enough there to make a meal.

Lovett: Well, it's cheap, got it for a steal.


	25. Rumors

**DISCLAIMER: "idk my bff jill" is a meme.**

-- Rumors --

Mrs. Mooney stormed into Mrs. Lovett's shop one day and shouted at the other pie-maker, "I'll thank you kindly to stop spreading rumors about what goes into my pies, Mrs. Lovett!"

"It ain't a rumor if it's true," Mrs. Lovett replied, unfazed by other woman's anger.

"It's a rumor whether it's true or not!" Mrs. Mooney snapped.

"Aha! So you _admit_ that it's true!"


	26. The Absolute Worst

**DISCLAIMER: birdhouse thingy, take three.**

**A/N: there is one thing that always bothered me about that song...**

-- The Absolute Worst --

Against his better judgment, Sweeney took a bite of the pie. he gagged and spit it out.

"_These are probably the worst pies in London_," Mrs. Lovett continued singing.

"What _probably_?" Sweeney interrupted her. "I think you can definitely claim that these are the absolute worst pies in London, and no one will challenge you over it. So, please, just drop the _probably_ already..."

She glared at him for a moment, then started to sing again.

"_These are the absolute worst pies in London_."


	27. Green Finch and Linnet Bird

**DISCLAIMER: "pics or it never happened" is a meme.**

**A/N: this is Verenice's request. ("do something with green finch and linnet bird")**

-- Green Finch and Linnet Bird --

"I want a parrot!" little Johanna, just five years old, said to her guardian.

"A parrot?" Judge Turpin asked in surprise. "Now why would you ever want one of those, my dear?"

"I WANT A PARROT," little Johanna repeated, at the top of her little lungs. (Spoiled brat...)

"They don't have any parrots... here, how about this nice green finch and linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird? Listen to them sing!"

-end-

**A/N: and that's how 16-yr-old Johanna ended up with all the birds in her "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" song.**


	28. Hot Body

**A/N: u wut nao**

-- Hot Body --

"Mrs. Lovett," Sweeney Todd said in a sweet tone, almost as if he were flirting with her. "I just wanted to tell you that you have a very nice, very hot body..."

He paused to check her reaction, then finished his sentence: "in your oven."

And ran away, cause he knew she'd be after him with rolling pin once what he said sank in...

-end-


	29. Inside the Fire

**DISCLAIMER: yeah, that.**

**A/N: this one isn't humor, but I couldn't make it long enough to post as its own fic. Inspired by the Disturbed song, of course.**

-- Inside the Fire --

Sweeney pushed Mrs. Lovett into the oven. She screamed as her body went up in flames.

He reached out to close the door but before his fingers closed over the edge of the handle, he felt a hard impact at the small of his back and found himself toppling forward into the oven as Toby shoved him...

And the last words Sweeney Todd ever heard, as the door slammed shut, were:

_"Take your place inside the fire with her."_

- end -


	30. Songs that go well 4

**DISCLAIMER: birdhouse thingy, take 2.**

-- Songs that go well 4 --

Songs that go well with...

**Sweeney's Customers  
**System of a Down, "Fuck the System"  
lyrics: _I'm just the meat in the pie, just the meat in the pie, just the meat in the pie._  
(I shit you not, these are actual lyrics in the song. I LMAO'd when I listened to that song again for the first time since watching Sweeney Todd...)

**Turpin  
**Reba MacIntire, "The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia"  
lyrics: _Never trust your soul to a backwoods southern lawyer cause the judge in the town has bloodstains on his hands_.  
(for obvious reasons)

**Mrs. Lovett**  
Peggy Lee, "I'm a Woman"  
lyrics: _I can wash out 44 pairs of socks and have 'em hangin out on the line. I can starch and iron 2 dozens shirts 'fore you can count from 1 to 9. I can scoop up a great big dipper full of lard from the drippins can, throw it in the skillet, go out and do my shopping, be back before it melts in the pan. 'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again. I can rub and scrub this old house til it's shinin' like a dime. Feed the baby, grease the car, and powder my face at the same time. Get all dressed up, go out and swing til 4 a.m. and then lay down at 5, jump up at 6, and start all over again. 'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again. If you come to me sickly you know I'm gonna make you well. If you come to me all hexed up you know I'm gonna break the spell. If you come to me hungry you know I'm gonna fill you full of grits. If it's lovin you're likin', I'll kiss you and give you the shiverin' fits. 'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again. I can stretch a green black dollar bill from here to kindom come! I can play the numbers pay the bills and still end up with some! I got a twenty-dollar gold piece says there ain't nothing I can't do. I can make a dress out of a feed bag and I can make a man out of you. 'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again. 'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, and that's all_.  
(Do I even need to explain? The lyrics fit her pretty well.)

**Sweeney & Lovett  
**Weird Al, "You Make Me"  
lyrics: _You make me want to my laundry in the dark. And use a recommended bleach_.  
(because of the blood on his shirts, lol)


	31. If Adam Sandler Played Sweeney

**DISCLAIMER: not mine.**

--If Adam Sandler PlayedSweeeney --

"_Did you come here for a pie, sir?_" Mrs. Lovett sang, placing the plate in front of him.

"I do not really want to try that, but since you are not reallypaying any attention to me anyway, I will shut up now and let you sing."

"_These are probably the worst pies in London_..."

* * *

"Well, the years haven't been particularly kind to you, Mr. Barker-"

"What the hell?! Benjamin Barker is a lame-ass name, not to mention people would know I escaped from jail if I went around using that name. My new name is Sweeney Todd."

* * *

"_Use Pirelli's Miracle Elixir  
Anything what's slick, sir,  
Soon sprouts curls_," Toby sang.

Suddenly a voice rang out from the crowd.

"NO, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU. We got Pirelli's Miracle Elixir boy up here talking about God knows what and all this lady can talk about is making out with me. I came here to shop and possibly randomly kill people, not to make out with you. Continue with the Pirelli's Miracle Elixir!"

"_Trust Pirelli's Miracle Elixir  
If your hair is sick, sir  
Fix it in a nick, sir,_" Toby continued singing.

**A/N: and that's as many scenes as I thought out. The lines in the Pirelli's Miracle Elixir scene are from Billy Madison, slightly altered. (chlorophyll man changed to Pirelli's Miracle Elixir boy, I came here to learn changed to I came here to shop and possibly randomly kill people.)**


	32. Worst Pies In London Again

**DISCLAIMER: not mine.**

-- Worst Pies in London Again --

_Little old lady got mutilated late last night  
Worst Pies in London again._

-end-

**A/N: Yes, that's the whole joke. The lyric comes from the song Werewolves of London, and as you can see I replace "werewolves of" with "worst pies in" and... it seems to work right there...**


	33. Sexually, Of Course

**DISCLAIMER: still not mine.**

-- Sexually, Of Course --

"_Ooh, Mr. Todd, I'm so happy! I could just eat you up, I really could!_" Mrs. Lovett sang, kissing him on the cheek.

"You know..." Sweeney interrupted her song. "Considering what we do for a living, that is actually a very disturbing thing to hear..."

"I didn't mean it like that and you know it!" she said, sounding hurt.

"Then how did you mean it?" he asked.

"Sexually, of course!"

-end-


	34. Pie Joke, Take 12

**DISCLAIMER: still not mine.**

-- Pie Joke, Take 12 --

"Well, we've got the young lovers there which make sweetie pies, but what do you call the one you made out of that wrestler?"

"It's a 'sweaty pie', of course!"

-end-

**A/N: this chapter was inspired by ppl on the interwebs who can't spell, lolz.**


	35. You Whaty Pie?

**DISCLAIMER: still not mine.**

-- You What-y Pie? --

"Let me see if I've got this straight: the young lovers make sweetie pies, and the old married couples make honey pies."

"Yes, precisely."

"But what do you make out of all the young single lads?"

"Well, dearie, those are the cutie pies!"

-end-


	36. Running Commentary

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. In fact, I own so much nothing that it's not evn funny.**

**A/N: Recently I watched Sweeney Todd with a friend who also likes the movie but is scared to watch it by herself. Here are some things that happened while watching...**

-- Running Commentary --

On screen: Sweeney bashes Pirelli's head in with the teapot.

my friend: creepy!

me: (thinking to myself that the teapot thing is not QUITE as good as the toilet lid killings in Boondock Saints and Saw)

On screen: Sweeney slits Pirelli's throat.

my friend: creeeeeeeeeepy!

me: (joking) You think that's creepy? It's my favorite part!

my friend: (sounding completely serious) It totally is. I know that's your favorite part.

me: noooooooo, that's not REALLY my favorite part. Now SH! Watch the movie!

On screen: Sweeney calls Beadle Bamford a "paragon of integrity", Beadle smiles.

me: Now THAT is creepy. Nevermind the killing people, that creepy smile makes me squirm every time!

my friend: lol, LazyCatfish27. (she actually said my real name, of course.)

On screen: The beginning of the "Not While I'm Around" scene.

me: I want her dress.

my friend: they sell dresses like that at Hot Topic, especially around prom time.

me: I haven't been to the mall in SOOOO long.

my friend: yeah, me neither.

On screen: Mrs. Lovett sings "Not While I'm Around" and pats Toby on the head.

me: (sings along while cuddling a stuffed monkey and patting it on the head.)

my friend: The monkey is not Toby!

me: (continues)

On screen: Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney in the sewer, Mrs. Lovett sings "Not While I'm Around".

me: She says, as they're coming to kill him.

my friend: I know, right?

On screen: Sweeney's death scene.

me: He went like this (uses stuffed monkey to demonstrate how Sweeney tilted his head back when he heard Toby come up behind him)

my friend: Stop!

me: When he heard Toby come up behind him, he tilted his back like this (uses monkey to demontstrate again, picks up cell phone, flips it open and "slashes" monkeys throat)

my friend: Stop!!

me: (finishes making the point that Sweeney let Toby kill him on purpose, turns the movie off)

-end-


End file.
